Your formal mentoring relationships will go more smoothly and have more impact if your partnerships contain a certain amount of structure, a process to follow during the beginning, middle, and end of your six to 12 months together. With informal mentoring, this process is more casual and can be implicit (not talked about). With formal relationships, however, it’s important to discuss and come to agreement on the structure you and your partner will use.

Based on work with numerous organizations and mentoring pairs, Faith-Centered Mentoring and More recommends the following four phases. The amount of time for each one varies depending on both of your needs and styles.

Note: Before any of these phases begin, spend time planning for your relationships: whether or not this is God's will for you, why you want to participate, what you’d like to receive, what you have to offer, and your limits. Let’s now look at each of these four phases.

1. Building the Relationship

During the first few weeks, concentrate on getting to know each other rather than upon the specifics of what you’ll accomplish. You can certainly talk about possible goals and ways of interacting, but you don’t have to rush into the “business” part of your relationship. Especially in cross-difference mentoring (e.g., mentoring in which you’re of different religions, denominations, genders, ages, cultures, styles, work organizations), spending time on knowing one another is valuable for deciding how to work together. It also builds trust.

Potential discussion topics/activities: Why each of you is participating in this formal relationship; contact information and preferences; effective and ineffective mentoring you’ve experienced in the past; your spiritual journeys; job histories; schools and training attended; hobbies and other leisure interests; favorite sports, movies, and travels; funny lessons learned.

2. Negotiating Agreements

After at least a couple of informal meetings, you can move into the more formal part of the arrangement. (Note: The first phase, Building the Relationship, will overlap this second phase.) Discuss and agree on what you’ll actually do together (and how you’ll do it) during the rest of your formal relationship. Make the exchange exploratory with both of you proposing possibilities, discussing expectations and preferences, and finally agreeing what to try.

Potential discussion topics/activities: How frequently, when, and where, to meet; the probable number of months your partnership will continue; who’ll manage the relationship including topics discussed and logistics; your learning and communication styles, preferences, and pet peeves; how you’d like to give and receive positive and corrective feedback from each other; what role, if any, the other important people in the mentee’s life could play in this mentoring partnership; what is and isn’t confidential; any limitations such as travel schedules; how you’ll measure the success of the relationship. Decide how you’ll handle spiritual differences in caring ways.

3. Developing the Mentee

This is the longest phase of the partnership. It includes setting specific goals and/or objectives and helping the mentee gain knowledge, build skills, and/or modify attitudes and character with the help of the mentor. During this phase the mentor acts as a learning broker, sounding board, and sometime instructor/coach for the mentee.

Potential discussion topics/activities: Talking together (e.g., about past experiences, goals, plans, and skills; career paths; spiritual journeys; useful problem-solving strategies); attending meetings, conferences, workshops, religious services, and other events (and discussing these later); working together on activities; having mentee observe mentor handle challenging situations; role-playing situations mentee faces; collaborating in Bible studies; exchanging and discussing written materials (such as documents the mentee writes, or articles you value); co-authoring publications; and interviewing and otherwise interacting with other people (including persons who could be of help to the mentee and other mentor-mentee pairs).

4. Ending the Formal Relationship

It’s important to have formal endings—closure—in your planned mentoring partnerships. Rather than letting a relationship continue and have no focus or letting it disintegrate from lack of attention, requiring a formal ending will help both parties with this important transition. Near the end of the agreed-upon formal partnership, have a discussion about what you’ve experienced and what comes next.

Potential discussion topics/activities: What’s worked well in the relationship; what both have gained; lessons learned; what you’ve accomplished; what this experience has meant to each; what and whom the mentee needs next in order to continue developing; how you both would like to end or continue the relationship (thanks and goodbye; continue the formal; move to an informal arrangement; build a friendship).

For more ideas on planned mentoring, see What We Offer. Consider ordering the Christ-Centered Mentoring Coordinator’s Handbook.