Earlier you learned how to plan, start, and end a conflict resolution meeting. You also learned how to handle impasses and deadlocks. In this article, we describe what to do when faced with unfair, sometimes even cruel or illegal tactics.

Why Bother to Learn Unfair Tactics?

Sometimes, even though you negotiate your side of an issue in an excellent, honorable, and shared benefits manner, you run into people who don’t hold your standards of fairness. At that time, most of us are tempted to retaliate or walk away. We believe God wants us to be fair and giving, but He doesn’t want us to be fools in our interactions with our opponents. He expects us to use our knowledge and skills. One of the most powerful messages we can give to others is the fact that we’re bright, aware, and competent individuals.

Remember, most people haven’t had training in what we call the Better End STrategy (BEST) or in similar methods of resolving conflicts in which all parties are fairly treated as well as satisfied with the results. Consequently, most of your opponents will make it difficult for you to use your well-organized, firm-yet-fair approach. Without necessarily meaning to be cruel, they’ll use tactics that are actually unfair to you, and maybe even offensive to God. Be aware of those tactics, and then be better prepared.

Another group of your opponents may purposely use unfair, deceptive tactics in order to take advantage of your fairness or perceived naiveté. The more aware you are of these “tricks,” the more you’ll be able to stand up to them and defend yourself with fair and principled counter tactics. Here are some actions to anticipate.

Three Common Unfair Tactics

1. Total Refusal to Negotiate

Despite several invitations to participate in the resolution process, your opponent may continue to refuse to talk with you about the issues. He/She may laugh off your requests, try to change the subject, or suggest that the issues “aren’t really important.” Your adversary may even become rude and angry, threatening you if you continue to “nag.” You’re faced with an Avoider who has no intentions of negotiating.

What You Can Do: Don’t give up too early. Give your opponent several opportunities to respond, offering times and places that you know are convenient. Be patient and pleasant, while still conveying how important the issues are to you.

If the party still refuses to cooperate, ask him or her for the principle underlying this position. Convey the idea that you know the person is fair and principled and that you want to understand his/her underlying value or logic. This often forces the person to recognize any unfairness and to move toward more cooperation. (Remember, most people think of themselves as fair, honest, and principled.)

If this doesn’t work, you can state that, unless you hear to the contrary, you’re going to proceed as if the agreement you desire has been accepted. (”Since you aren’t willing to discuss my return to graduate school, I’m going to assume that you approve of my plan. I’ll register next Wednesday and be in classes every Tuesday and Thursday evenings.”)

Another strategy is to call in a third party to approach and try to negotiate on your behalf. (Learn about the methods of Mediation and Arbitration before you do this.) Finally, you can postpone discussions indefinitely, submitting the conflict to God in an incubation option, or you can decide to submit with pleasure (not with pain and complaining) to your opponent’s needs.

2. Gradual Time Investments

Without your realizing it, the other party may draw you toward a commitment by getting you to increase your time investments. Before you know what’s happening, you’ve accepted an idea that you may not have agreed to had the idea been presented to you all at once.

First, you read a notice (not much time involved); then you return a short questionnaire (still not much effort, you think). Next, you have a short chat on the phone and agree to a brief meeting (“Just to pick your brain”). Before you know it, you find yourself agreeing to be the director of your organization’s fundraising program—at the same time you’re working overtime at your job, taking care of your ailing mother, coaching Little League, and recovering from a major rejection in your life!

What You Can Do: Don’t automatically agree to all requests for your time. Know what your needs and priorities are in light of God’s purposes for your life, and ask yourself, “Is this a good use of my time?” Recognize what’s happening if the other party begins to ask for a series of “small things” from you. State your limits early enough so the other person isn’t shocked when you refuse the ultimate offer. Being honest in this way will prevent misunderstandings and resentments on both sides.

3. The Hot Potato

In the middle of your negotiations, your opponent may reveal a problem he/she faces and throw it into your lap to get you to solve it. The intent is to disrupt the orderly flow of the discussion and try for a hasty concession on your part.

For example, your teenager asks to talk about her possible use of the family car next weekend. Since you and your spouse need it for your usual Friday night square dancing class, you offer the vehicle for Saturday night. Your daughter suddenly says, “But I’ve already promised my friends that I’d drive them to the game Friday night.” She’s thrown a constraint--which she’s created--to you, expecting it to force a settlement of the problem her way. Other opponents will bring up deadlines, shortages of items, lack of staff, their lack of profit, or other problems in an effort to talk you into their solutions.

What You Can Do: If the problem is a legitimate one and you sense the other party is being equitable, we know you’ll want to be fair in return. We encourage you to be flexible and reasonable, even sacrificing your needs form time to time for the sake of maintaining strong relationships.

At the same time, if this is a pattern in your opponent’s behavior, or if the problem is the result of an immoral or selfish action, we suggest you toss the potato back. Let the other side solve the problem and live with the consequences.

Best wishes as you approach (rather than run from) conflicts and do everything you can to resolve them in healthy ways. (For a complete description and how-to steps of the Better End Strategy, including how to handle 18 additional unfair tactics, purchase your copy of A Fight to the Better End: Strategies for Resolving Conflicts in Your Personal and Professional Life. (Click here to order.)