Earlier you learned how to plan, start, and end a conflict resolution meeting. If you missed that topic, click here to catch up.

Most of the time when you act in a God-honoring manner, you’ll find that your conflict resolution meetings end on a satisfying note for both you and your “worthy opponents.” You’ll both leave the meeting pleased that the issues were resolved and your relationship was strengthened in the process.

But what if it doesn’t turn out that way? What if you and the other party get stuck?

Sometimes, even though you negotiate your side of an issue in an excellent, honorable, and shared benefits manner, you run into a dead end. Be prepared for it. At that time, most of us are tempted to give up in despair. Here are some ideas for handling those difficult times.

“Impasse” vs “Deadlock”

An “impasse” in a conflict resolution process is the point where you and your opponent can’t agree on a solution that’s acceptable to both of you. You’re stuck, and no one wants to move, at least for the moment. An impasse isn’t the same as a “deadlock” (standoff). An impasse is more temporary, and particularly with experienced negotiators, optimism regarding settlement still runs high. Deadlocks, at least on the surface, appear permanent.

We suggest that you consider any stall in your negotiations to be an impasse rather than a permanent deadlock.

If you and your opponent seem to be stalled, try this. (We’ll use a child custody and visitation conflict as our example.)

1. Summarize the dilemma.

“It’s obvious that we can’t agree at this point. You feel very strongly that you should have Timmy with you every weekend and one weekday night. You also want him for the whole summer. I feel just as strongly that he should be with me on school nights and with you every other weekend. I think summers should be negotiated, depending on Timmy’s needs and activities. Is that how you see the disagreement?” This summarizing step, especially if you do it in a calm manner, gives both of you a chance to pause, rest, regroup, and take a fresh, positive look at the situation.

2. Reframe the dilemma as a search for a new and better solution.

“What we need is a way to give Timmy the right amount and kind of time he needs with each of us.” This may inspire a renewed search for a creative solution. It’s as if the two of you are on one side of a table looking at the dilemma on the other side.

3. Probe for hidden needs and issues.

“I sense you’re very concerned that Timmy is pulling away from you and are afraid it will get worse after the divorce. Is that true?” Doing this will often uncover other previously hidden needs and lead to solutions that resolve all of the issues.

4. Submit (or concede) with pleasure.

“You’re an excellent parent and I want to make this as smooth as possible for Timmy. I’ll agree to your proposal.” This is a very generous move on your part and one that may be the best, most God-honoring step to take. The key is “with pleasure.” Decide to do this willingly and enthusiastically, not “with pain.”

or Agree in part.

“I can agree to your weeknight request, especially if you can coach him on his math.” This strategy is actually a compromise. It sometimes leads to a generous offer on the other person’s part.

or Agree on a trial basis.

“I’m willing to try one weeknight for the next month and see how it goes. If it’s a strain for any of us, I’d like to talk and reconsider other alternatives.”

These strategies are likely to break the impasse. If not, and you’re faced with a true deadlock, here are some more ideas to try. Again, be optimistic and ask for God’s will for your situation.

1. Incubation – Commit the conflict to God and wait. Agree to disagree, for now, and continue to treat your opponent with respect. Remember to be “hard on the issues, soft on the person.”

2. Adaptation – Recognize and accept your opponent for who she/he is; tolerate and work around your differences. This strategy is most appropriate with very uncooperative or unhealthy opponents.

3. Separation – Remove yourself, at least temporarily, from the intellectual, emotional, or physical influence of your opponent. This isn’t always possible or desirable, yet many times a temporary separation with a plan can help resolve difficult issues.

4. Mediation – Let a third party you both respect facilitate the negotiation.

5. Arbitration – submit the dispute to a third party for a totally independent settlement. Both of you must agree to accept the arbitrator’s decision.

Next time we’ll look at how to deal with difficult, unfair, unprincipled opponents. If you can’t wait until July, consider ordering a copy of A Fight to the Better End. (See What We Offer.) Meanwhile, best wishes as you approach (rather than run from) conflicts and do everything you can to resolve them in healthy ways.