Several years ago we wrote a book called A Fight to the Better End. That’s better, not bitter! In one section of the book we outline how to plan and carry out an actual conflict resolution meeting with another person.

Here are our suggested steps to follow as you plan and proceed through such a meeting. Notice that effective negotiation takes quite a bit of planning and several skills on your part. Think about an upcoming meeting you’d like to hold with someone, and check off any step you believe will help you.

PREPARING TO RESOLVE THE CONFLICT

I’ll gather the following information on myself:

___ My sense of God’s will for resolution of this conflict
___ My sense of how biblical principles relate to this situation
___ What I see as causes of the conflict
___ Key issue(s) to be resolved
___ My feelings about the other party and the issue(s)
___ Alternatives I see (at this point) for resolving the conflict
___ My Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) with the other
       party (my Plan B)

I’ll gather the following information on the other party:

___ Probable feelings toward me and the issue(s)
___ Probable goals or desired outcomes of this negotiation
___ His or her probable BATNA
___ Typical style in handling conflicts such as this

In planning the logistics of the meeting, I’ll:

___ Note possible times and places we could meet, making it comfortable
       for both of us
___ Plan what to say in inviting the other person to meet
___ Decide how to extend the invitation

To complete this planning, I’ll also:

___ Pray about the conflict and its resolution, especially what I can do to
       honor God
___ Picture myself handling the meeting successfully
___ Practice the meeting with someone who can give me constructive
       suggestions on my points and approach

CONDUCTING THE CONFLICT RESOLUTION MEETING

As I participate in the meeting, I’ll:

___ Set a positive tone by remarking that my goal is mutual agreement and
       satisfaction
___ (As appropriate) Suggest that we both pray for God’s guidance
___ Decide whether a formal or informal agenda (list of issues, in order) is
       appropriate
___ Set up the agenda
___ Set up ground rules for the discussion
___ Determine physical signals to use (if appropriate)
___ Establish a procedure for taking time-outs
___ Use active listening to understand the other person’s views, needs,
       and feelings
___ Keep track of my own feelings, needs, and goals
___ Take regular body and feelings checks to note my reactions; adjust my
       actions accordingly
___ Address each issue, one by one, until resolved (or postponed)
___ Take turns expressing feelings, concerns, needs, and desired outcomes
       on each issue
___ Make appealing proposals to the other person
___ Listen carefully to his or her proposals to me
___ Discuss possible solutions for each issue
___ Expand the “pie” of possible solutions and benefits so both of us can
       meet our needs
___ Agree on one of the alternatives and jot down what we agreed
___ Make a positive comment about each issue resolved and express
       appreciation to the other person
___ Review the meeting part way, and take stock of my performance
___ Take “process checks” to see if both of us are comfortable with the way
       the meeting is going
___ Reaffirm my need for God’s guidance throughout this conflict
___ Handle objections to my ideas
___ Reframe criticisms or attacks on me as attacks on the problem/issue
___ Handle personal attacks on me without getting defensive
___ Avoid bringing up old issues at inappropriate times

CLOSING THE CONFLICT RESOLUTION MEETING, I’LL:

___ Determine who is responsible for implementing each part of the
       settlement
___ Set dates by which tasks are to be started and/or finished
___ Decide how we’ll monitor the implementation
___ Determine rewards for completing tasks
___ Agree on consequence for not completing tasks
___ Set date for reviewing the agreement(s)
___ Write a draft copy of our agreement(s)
___ End the meeting on a positive note by expressing appreciation to the
       other person and stressing the shared benefits
___ Pray together or alone, as appropriate, thanking God for His help
       throughout the process
___ Use appropriate form of physical touch (handshake, hug) to close

If you follow these steps with a principled person, you’ll both feel heard and respected. What’s more, you’ll usually end up on with mutually satisfying resolutions.

Unfortunately, not all conflict resolution meetings go smoothly. Next time we’ll look at what happens when you run into impasses and deadlocks...and what to do when you have to deal with an unfair, unprincipled opponent.

For more information on resolving conflicts with care, purchase a copy of A Fight to the Better End. (Click here to locate the Order Form.)