If you’re
like most people, including us, you feel a degree of fear every
time you face a conflict. That feeling can range from a slight
pang of concern, when the conflict is only mildly important; to
intense fear, when there are high, personal stakes involved that
threaten your spiritual well-being, hard-earned money, reputation,
or an important relationship.
Perhaps you accept Jesus’ principle of becoming reconciled
with people who oppose you, but the actual step of settling those
disagreements (especially with reluctant or untrustworthy adversaries)
is one you’d like to avoid. If these are some of your thoughts,
we empathize!
Resolving conflicts in a way that settles matters and satisfies
all parties, including God, is not always easy. Becoming good
at the process takes skills and practice, and those skills take
time and energy to learn! However, as Christians we’re called
to follow biblical imperatives for handling conflicts, including
living in peace with each other and becoming peacemakers whenever
appropriate.
We define conflict as any disagreement over one or more “issues”
or topics. The dispute can vary in emotional intensity from mild
opposition to struggle and even a prolonged fight. A conflict
can be intrapersonal (within you), such as when you struggle
over two equally desirable or painful choices. Conflict can be
interpersonal (between two or more people), intraorganizational
(within a church, department, company, or even a nation),
or interorganizational (between two or more groups).
Here are a few more facts about conflict and its resolution:
- Conflict can’t be avoided.
No matter how hard you try to bury or get around conflict, it’s
inevitable, and occurs every day of your life.
- Conflict itself is neither good nor bad.
If you’re experiencing conflict with another person, it
isn’t a moral issue. The two of you disagree, and that’s
merely an objective fact. We suggest that while your conflicts
are neutral, the way in which you and the other party handle
yourselves and the issues can be constructive or destructive.
Your constructive actions can improve the situations
at hand and strengthen your relationships. On the other hand,
your destructive actions can hurt your relationship
with God, distort your image of yourself, and malign the spirit
of the other persons.
- Lasting peace requires the settling of important,
if not all, issues.
When Jesus instructed us to reconcile with our brothers and
sisters, He wasn’t referring to a quick apology or a superficial
“patching things up.” We believe He meant that we
should carefully work through the issues one by one and get
agreement on their resolution once and for all.
- Most people do a poor job of resolving conflicts.
Even the most caring and articulate individuals put off dealing
with issues until it’s almost too late, or they concentrate
so much on their own priorities that they ignore the feelings
and needs of their opponents.
Next month, we’ll look at an approach to conflict resolution
which we call the BEST, from the phrase Better
End STrategy. The BEST aims to help
you and your adversaries experience honorable negotiations, reach
agreements that are pleasing and durable, and agree to repeat
this constructive process when new issues demand attention.
For more information on helping yourself and others thrive, see
What We Offer and our Archive.
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