Last month, you learned about the biblical concept of forgiveness along with positive and negative “progressions” (forgiving and withholding forgiveness). Avoiding forgiveness and holding on to bitterness affects our well-being in all areas of life (spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional, and social). As Christians we’re called to forgive and to put all bitterness and anger away, and yet we all procrastinate.

Letting Some Hurts Go

True healthiness requires us, at times, to choose to ignore someone’s seemingly hurtful deed. We support the idea of developing “thicker skins,” except when people who claim such thickness are denying deep pain they’ve experienced. Appropriate emotional sensitivity (a key component of high Emotional Intelligence) is a desirable attribute. But too much of it can be disadvantageous. We can be too sensitive at times.

The biblical term for the concept of having thicker skin is “forbearance,” willingness to overlook something. As in Romans 3:25 “ . . . This was to demonstrate His righteousness because in the forbearance of God He passed over the sins previously committed.” In fact, we are to act similarly by “showing forbearance to one another in love” (Ephesians 4:12). Can you do it? Do you?

Identifying a Hurt

Let’s now look at bigger hurts. We ask you to be proactive in your own forgiveness journey, starting with extending forgiveness.

Think of a specific incident in which you felt hurt as a result of the actions of another person. (If there were several related incidents, focus on one of them.) On a separate piece of paper, answer the following questions. When did this hurtful event happen? Who was involved in this event? How old were you at the time? What actually happened? (What did she/he/they do or not do? How did you respond at the time?) Why was this event so hurtful or painful? How did or does this affect your everyday life? How have you handled this hurt up to now? Looking back, how do you wish you had handled that event? Don’t rush this process.

As you consider this hurt, think about two factors that must play an extremely important role in your forgiveness journey: your loss and your possible contribution (if any) to your injury. (Note: We agree with the concept of mutual contribution, except in one painful realm—any type of child abuse. Child victims are innocent and can’t be blamed for the hurt they receive.)

Now that you’ve looked carefully at your hurt and thought about your loss and your possible contribution, do you want to enter into a forgiveness process with the person who hurt you? If so, then consider the following suggestions for action. The process falls into three phases: Preparing and Focusing Phase (steps 1-7), Starting the Forgiveness Phase (steps 8-16), and Completing Forgiveness and Fading the Memories (steps 17-19).

1. Decide if you really want to let go of the hurt.
2. Ask God for strength and guidance to do it.
3. Review God’s messages on forgiveness.
4. Identify the details of the hurtful events (when, who, what specifically happened, why it was so hurtful). Consider sharing these with God and perhaps a human you trust.
5. Express any feelings you have about the event: hurt? sadness? hate? anger? jealousy? betrayal? shame? Also share these.
6. Evaluate your own contribution to the hurtful event(s).
7. Make the conscious decision to enter the forgiveness process.
   
   
8. Separate the person from the hurtful action or behavior.
9. Analyze the other person’s possible reasons/perspective for his/her actions.
10. Accept (even if you don’t approve of) that perspective.
11. Decide what you’d like to have from the other person at this point, yet proceed with the decision to forgive even if you might not receive what you’d like.
12. Plan what you would like to say to her/him. Write it out. Rehearse it.
13. Meet with the other person to share your feelings, the impact of the hurt, your desire to forgive, what you’d like from her/him (for example, accepting of responsibility for the hurt, a request for your forgiveness).
14. Ask for forgiveness for any part you’ve played in the hurt (for example, holding on to it beyond a reasonable time).
15. Wait for her/his responses.
16. Express appreciation to her/him.
    
    
17. Thank God and ask for continued guidance, strength, and healing.
18. Work at fading the memories of the painful event. When thoughts enter your mind, stop them; replace negative with positive thoughts.
19. Re-pattern your life. Change your behaviors that contributed to the hurt.

The above actions aren’t easy, and we don’t suggest you can hurry through them. For more learning on forgiveness, order Forgiving: Letting Go of Bitterness and the Forgiveness Self Assessment (FSA), both listed in What We Offer.